Caregiving Transitions--The Elder Driving Dilemma

Life changes.
Just as we get used to one thing, it no longer works, and we have to figure out the next transition.

Caregivers and the folks they love and care for experience transition in rapid succession.

It's a lot like when your child turned fifteen--they can drive with you in the car, and before you know it, they're sixteen and begging to drive alone--you aren't ready for this--or for the dating, curfews, part-time jobs, SAT preps, and BAM! They're eighteen and headed off to college.
Only three years ago they were still your baby--gangly yes, but not living in a dorm, voting, and heaven forbid, fighting a war.

Our elders also go through rapid changes. You question whether they should still drive so you drive behind them, monitor their turns and parking. Your doubts are confirmed and it's time to have the first of many BIG TALKS.

The transition from driving to not driving is oftentimes the first a caregiverr must prepare for, and I do mean prepare. It's best to have this talk as a scenario that hasn't occured yet.

"Dad--"
"What?"
"You know, you're 85 and still driving, and I think that's great, but let's face it--one day, you will most likely not be safe behind the wheel."
"I don't want to talk about it."
"We have to."
"No, we don't."
"Yes, Dad, we do. Hear me out. I love you. I want you to have your independence--I really do. I respect you immensely, and I love you and want you to be safe--and I don't want you to hurt someone else."
(silence)
"This is what I propose. I think we should do what I did with your grandson. I think you should consider driving only when someone else is in the car with you. That way, I can see how you're doing--will you do that for me?"
(silence)
Take his hand. Be quiet for a minute. Change the subject. Enough for today. Go get an ice cream.

This is the first conversation. There will be several.

He has to get used to the idea that his life is changing. He has to transition out of the life he has--and it won't be easy.

Let's think about what our loved ones are feeling:

I'm still healthy and my driving is fine, what's she talking about?
It's my car. It's paid for and I'm insured.
I only drive to the store and to church. I know my way in my sleep.
They just want my money.
Why don't they take all the drunk drivers off the road first. They're more of a menace than I am.
Once I give up driving, I'll be her prisoner.

By putting ourselves in their situation, we see how very painful having someone decide when you can no longer drive can be.

It's best if they decide when it's no longer wise to drive on their own, but in many cases, that's just not going to happen. Their judgement is impaired. They fear losing their freedom. It's teenage-hood in reverse!

What if Dad's cantankerous and won't stop driving even when it's not safe?

We'll talk about your options tomorrow.

~Carol D. O'DellAuthor of Mothering Mother: A Daughter's Humorous and Heartbreaking Memoir
available on Amazonwww.mothering-mother.com